Ex-etiquette: Apologize for badmouthing mom, and don’t do it again

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Q. I was talking to my sister on the phone yesterday about how angry my children’s mother makes me, when I peered around the bathroom door and there was my 7-year-old, with tears in her eyes, listening to every word. I was confident my children have never heard me talk about their mother in a negative way, but maybe they have, and what have I done? What’s good ex-etiquette?

Good ex-etiquette is to never talk about your children’s other parent in a negative way — and you can see from your daughter’s reaction why this is so important.

Kids don’t understand the ins and outs of their parents’ disagreements. They don’t understand why you are angry with each other or why you broke up. That’s their mommy or daddy. They hear something like, “I’d like to kill that &^*!!!” and they think, “My mommy? You want to hurt my mommy?” It’s no joke. It can set a child back and hurt them irrevocably.

Kids inherently know they are half mommy and half daddy. They personalize all the good things they hear, as well as all the bad things. “You have beautiful eyes, just like your mom.” “You are so strong, just like your dad.” Their chest puffs out; they are in seventh heaven. They hear, “She is such a b****! She drives me crazy!” They think, “My dad thinks I’m like my mom, oh no.”

And what if you openly tell them they are just like their other parent? Saying “You’re just like your father!” in a derogatory way can really set them back.

We can psychologically analyze why kids feel the way they do after a breakup, but the bottom line is when a child overhears one parent badmouthing the other, it changes who they are. It undermines their self-esteem and makes them question their importance, all because they identify with both parents — not just you. They will find some reason to blame themselves with their little kid reasoning for not measuring up, all based on what their parents say or what they overhear.

So what do you do?

Apologize. Explain you were angry, but it was not right to talk about her mother like that and you will never do it again — and don’t!

Acknowledge the other parent’s importance, no matter how you feel personally. And, in the future, if you feel like venting, go to a friend’s house or meet for coffee or a drink. If you see a therapist, since so many are online now, you may have to make appointments for when the kids are in school. Quite a few of my clients speak to me from their cars — even if they are parked in their garage. They tell me their cars are close to soundproof and the kids can’t hear them.

All this may sound like overkill, but there is a reason why “No badmouthing” is Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 3. Your children deserve to love and feel loved by both parents. That’s good ex-etiquette.