Below are three conversations I have had with clients, all with a similar theme:
Client 1 (Judy): “I joined Match.com two weeks ago, and only creeps and crazies have written to me!”
Erika: “That’s annoying! But you’re a great catch, so of course lots of people are interested in you.”
Judy: “Yeah, but they’re not the RIGHT people.”
Erika: “Has anyone appropriate sent you a message at all?”
Judy: “One guy seemed interesting. We’re actually trying to set up a date.”
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Erika: “Trevor, let me know how your three dates go this week. I’m excited to hear about them!”
Client 2 (Trevor): “I definitely will. Do you have any dates lined up for me for next week yet?”
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Client 3 (Matthew): “I went to this event and there were only like 10 women there. I felt like it was a sausage fest. What a waste.”
Erika: “That’s ridiculous that the organizer let the ratios get so off-balance!”
Matthew: “I know! I was angry!”
Erika: “Well, did you at least like any of the 10 women? That’s what matters.”
Matthew: “I don’t know. I didn’t meet them. I left when I saw that it was mostly men.”
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I want to give Judy, Trevor and Matthew the same exact advice: Focus on what you do have, not what you don’t.
In Judy’s case, while she’s getting a number of messages from “creeps and crazies” (which is subjective to begin with), what she neglected to tell me initially was that one gentleman with potential actually wrote to her, and they’re in the date-planning phase. Win! I didn’t even get to the part where I would ask Judy whether she’s reaching out to men on her own, because she should be proactive about the process as well.
In Trevor’s case, he already has three dates lined up! Why is he so worried about next week? He’s already assuming that this week’s three dates won’t live up to whatever standard he presumes is needed to convert to a second date. Three dates in one week is nothing to stick up your nose at! By already thinking about who else is out there, he’s not going to be present on the dates he has.
Matthew had a great opportunity to meet 10 new women, and he squandered it because all he could focus on was who was not at the party. These 10 women came out, ready and willing to meet new people, and he completely dismissed them rather than taking advantage of talking to them and potentially hitting it off. It was as if he gave more credit to the women who didn’t show up than the ones who did. I bet many men went home having met someone that night. Matthew didn’t give himself the chance.
The point here, not just in dating but in life in general, is to focus on what’s actually in front of you, not what might be. As they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I’ll say “A date in the scheduling phase is worth two who don’t bother to write or show up.”
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(Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH
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©2020 Erika Ettin
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