And you think your neighbor dog’s barking is incessant?
Elisha Nochomovitz — in the midst of the coronavirus lockdown in France — ran an entire marathon on his 23-foot apartment balcony in Balma. It took him 6 hours and 48 minutes to complete the roughly 3,000 laps, and a bit of a crowd gathered down below to watch him do it.
“It was about launching a bit of a crazy challenge and bringing a bit of humor, to de-dramatize the confinement situation,” he told AP. “(The neighbors) were very understanding.”
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Headlines
— At Fark.com: “NCAA announces severe revenue reduction after canceling March Madness. Players to make the same amount.”
— On The First Baptist Church in America readerboard in Providence, R.I.: “Had not planned on giving up quite this much for Lent.”
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Envelope, please
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who on March 3 bragged he “shook hands with everybody” at a hospital with COVID-19 patients, has now tested positive for it.
On the bright side, though, he’s the slam-dunk favorite for the inaugural Rudy Gobert Touch of Stupidity Award.
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Where’s the safetyman?
NFL broadcasters, in keeping with the coronavirus theme, will henceforth refer to busted coverages as “social distancing.”
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All for naught
England’s Premier League might play matches with no people in the stands for a while once the pandemic ends.
To assuage hard-core soccer fans, they plan to list the attendance as “nil.”
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A slice hit
Sidelined Pirates players arranged to have 400 pizzas delivered to the staff at Allegheny General Hospital in Pittsburgh.
That’s what you call throwing some cheese.
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RSI alert
The Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch — 58 letters strong — boasts the longest such name in Europe.
Toughest job in town? Jersey-stitcher for the local soccer team.
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R.I.P. to a legend
Curly Neal, the Harlem Globetrotters’ dribbling dervish, died Thursday at age 77.
Something tells us Meadowlark Lemon was waiting at the Pearly Gates with a bucketful of confetti.
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Dentured Servant Dept.
Not that Tom Brady is getting up there in years or anything, but the Tampa Bay Bucs now refer to their training table as the early-bird special.
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Grab your cheat sheets
The NFL draft will go off as scheduled April 23-25, the league announced — except it will be done remotely instead of live in Las Vegas.
Frantic GMs are suddenly pounding the phones to get tips from veteran fantasy owners.
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Tweet of the Week
“FACT: This marks the first #OpeningDay in MLB history when all 30 teams are at home.” — @JoshRawitch
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Hold that line
The betting website BetOnline.ag has installed Ohio State’s football team as an early 7 1/2-point favorite over Michigan this coming season.
That line, of course, is dependent on another spread — whether the two teams are even allowed to get closer than 6 feet from each other on Nov. 28.
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Cheers for booze
Liquor stores have been declared an “essential business” and will thus remain open during Washington governor Jay Inslee’s hunker-down edict.
So for you Mariner fans with enough toilet paper and an eye on the upcoming season, feel free to start hoarding alcohol, too.
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Talking the talk
— Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on disagreements over what age constitutes “elderly” in coronavirus demographics: “My definition: If you can remember when Nebraska last won a conference football championship, then you are elderly.”
— RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on the American Psychological Association claiming the average man cries up to 17 times a year: “Oddly enough, the Cincinnati Bengals will soon play that many games per season.”
— Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, after ESPN posted its “Way-Too-Early Top 25” basketball rankings for 2020-21: “We’re bored, yes, but this bored?”
— Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, on these trying times with coronavirus and no sports: “It’s hard seeing Sanjay Gupta take up more TV time than, say, Joe Buck. OK, it’s not that hard.”
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Do I hear seven?
Seahawks linebacker Michael Kendricks’ sentencing for insider trading has been pushed back yet again — for the sixth time.
Or to put it in football terms, 30 yards for delay of game.
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Quote marks
— Taylor Rooks of Bleacher Report, via Twitter, on the wrongest she’s ever been: “Bought a plane ticket during halftime of the Super Bowl to go to the championship parade in Atlanta.”
— Ex-pitcher Phil Hughes, via Twitter, after getting his mailed invitation to attend Yankees Old Timers Day on Aug. 9: “Really, guys? I’m 33.”
— Comedian Argus Hamilton, via Facebook, on why he gave up golf at the same time he got sober 33 1/2 years ago: “It made not drinking a lot easier.”
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Tweet at Joe’s
Sidelined sportscaster Joe Buck will do a play-by-play narration of your quarantined existence in exchange for a charity donation, tweeting, “Send me videos of what you’re doing at home and I’ll work on my play-by-play. Seriously!”
Predictably, Cowboys fans are already complaining that Buck is biased toward Green Bay’s shut-ins.
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Letting some air out
NASCAR is imposing staff salary cuts of 20-25% until there’s a return to racing.
Or as the folks in accounting prefer to call it, restrictor-plate paying.
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Going viral
— Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on Tom Brady signing with Tampa Bay: “Here you have a man who has spent the last 25 winters of his life in either Michigan or New England; he now has more money than he will ever be able to spend. … Can you really be shocked that he decided to move to Florida?”
— Retired sportswriter Bob Dutton, via Twitter, when Chuck Schumer said “Right now, we’re on the 2 (yard line)” in Senate coronavirus-aid deliberations: “Trust those of us who live in the Pacific Northwest: Run the ball.”
— Hall of Fame sportscaster Ross Porter, via Twitter, on why no Astros have been infected by the coronavirus: “They saw the signs coming before anyone else.”
— @SportsPickle, on the cancellation of baseball’s opening day: “Someone could be on pace for 162 home runs right now. Or even 324 home runs or 486 home runs. Instead they’re on pace for 0 home runs.”
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the Indy 500 getting pushed back to the heat of late August: “Gentlemen, start your fans?”
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