Now that’s what you call a water hazard.
A Florida man — trying to retrieve an errant Frisbee golf disk from a Largo, Fla., park lake at 5 in the morning — got bitten in the face and hands by an alligator but wrestled his way free and is expected to recover, WFLA-TV reported.
Headlines
— At Fark.com: “NBA players get fancy rings that can detect COVID symptoms early. You get a dirty mask to wear while getting yelled at by people in the grocery store.”
— At TheOnion.com: “Fantasy baseball league commissioner knows handling of pandemic will define his legacy.”
Flushing Meadows West
Workers at the Raiders’ new stadium under construction in Las Vegas did a test run and flushed all 1,430 of the stadium’s toilets at the same time.
Thus breaking the franchise mark for simultaneous successful toilet flushes — of six, set at the Oakland Coliseum in 1978.
Crying in their beer
A Pawtucket, R.I., brewery — taking a swipe at Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski for bolting the Patriots for the Buccaneers — has come out with a new beer named “Traitorade.”
It’s an imperial fruit sour with sea salt, reviewers say, with maybe just a hint of sour grapes.
Not in their DNA
Disease czar Dr. Anthony Fauci has advised against playing baseball deep into October.
No problem, said the Seattle Mariners.
Baseball Quiz
“Long Gone Summer,” ESPN’s latest 30 for 30 documentary, centers around:
a) the steroid-fueled Mark McGwire-Sammy Sosa home-run duel of 1998
b) the specter of no MLB season in 2020
Huffing and puffing
Ex-big-leaguer Aubrey Huff tweeted “I will no longer wear a mask inside any business. It’s unconstitutional to enforce.”
Good thing Huff never had to play catcher.
Epee blunder
St. John’s fired assistant fencing coach Boris Vaksman after video surfaced of him saying Abraham “Lincoln made a mistake” when he ended slavery in the U.S.
In other words, foiled himself on that one.
Audible groan
Ex-QB Peyton Manning is unveiling a Tennessee-based whiskey called Sweetens Cove Bourbon.
To no one’s surprise, restaurateurs say it also goes well with Omaha steaks.
Saving par
NBC’s Jim Nantz botched an advertising tease during the season-opening Charles Schwab Challenge — saying All-State was a tournament sponsor rather than Geico — but got it right the next time.
Who says you can’t get a mulligan on the PGA Tour?
It’s in the bag
Defensive end Robert Mathis will be inducted into the Colts’ Ring of Honor on Nov. 22.
In keeping with the theme, will fans get free sack lunches that day?
Talking the talk
— Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, after Jerry Jones’ 357-foot yacht, Bravo Eugenia, was spotted anchored off Sausalito: “Does the Cowboys owner have to feed a parking meter buoyed out there in the Bay? If not, we’re missing a big revenue opportunity.”
— Ex-pitcher Phil Hughes, via Twitter, on his receding hairline: “375 to dead center, 525 to the gaps.”
— Medicine Hat (Alberta) columnist Bruce Penton, after Michael Jordan reeled in a 442-pound marlin: “When did Bartolo Colon get traded to Miami?”
Chin Music Dept.
Tigers star slugger Miguel Cabrera just teamed up with Venezuelan artist Sibilino to release “Miggy Al Bate” — or “Miggy at Bat” in English.
Can’t wait to hear the reviewers’ verdict: hip-hop single or bad-hop single?
Jet Ski 1, Jets 0
Reigning NFL MVP Lamar Jackson tripped over a wave runner while playing beach football, but avoided serious injury.
In other words, a Jet Ski did what 11 Jets couldn’t do against the Ravens QB last Dec. 12, when Jackson threw five TD passes and rushed for 86 yards against them.
Quote marks
— Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune, after TV viewers were treated to a mic’d-up Brooks Koepka F-bomb on Golf Channel’s first golf telecast without fans: “Wait for fanless football. Golf is like a Bible study class.”
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: “Scary thought. This spring MLB commissioner Rob Manfred actually might be making NFL commissioner Roger Goodell look good by comparison.”
— Pitcher Ryan O’Rourke, via Twitter, announcing his retirement at age 32: “Baseball takes you in, chews you up, and then decides when it is done with you.”
— Josh Sens of Golf.com, on unpopular Patrick Reed: “The Tour pro known to some as ‘Table for One.’ “
— Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on the U.K. study claiming a common steroid might cure coronavirus: “Well, no wonder the SEC isn’t afraid to let its teams play football.”
Vintage gym beam
Every other sport seems to produce a triple-double, so why not gymnastics?
Simone Biles has come up with a balance-beam dismount move — the “Triple-Twisting Double Back” — that the sport’s governing body has deemed too dangerous to use in competition.
Golden gopher
“I thought I threw a perfect pitch. He was just standing a little too close to the JumboTron when he hit it.” — D-backs pitcher Mike Koplove, to reporters in 2004, after surrendering Barry Bonds’ 699th career homer — a 460-foot blast that hit nearly Bonds’ face on the center-field scoreboard
Quote, end quote
— Ex-NBA center Kendrick Perkins, to ESPN, not impressed with the leadership of the players union VP: “If you take Kyrie Irving’s brain and put it in a bird right now, guess what that bird is going to do: It’s going to fly backwards.”
— Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on social distancing measures at this year’s Nathan’s July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest: “Contestants will be at least six foot-longs apart.”
— Phil Mushnick of the New York Post, on the McGwire-Sosa documentary glossing over the controversial stuff: “ESPN doc tests negative for ‘roids.”
— Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on reports the Chargers might be interested in signing QB Colin Kaepernick: “The only way to confirm if this is a good idea is if the Chargers’ owner, Dean Spanos, hates it.”
That was then …
From the What A Difference Barely A Week Makes file, two tweets from the MLS’ Las Vegas franchise:
June 9: “LEADER, MENTOR, COACH, FRIEND, LEGEND. Congratulations to the one & only @EricWynalda! Happy birthday Coach!”
June 17: “Effective immediately, Eric Wynalda is no longer Head Coach of Las Vegas Lights FC … ”
———
©2020 The Seattle Times
Visit The Seattle Times at www.seattletimes.com
Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.