Dear Anna,
My partner is very much into me talking about sex with other men while we are making love. He enjoys it more if it was real sex and not something I made up or fantasized about. The truth is, I got married at a young age and really never had hot sex with anyone besides him and my current partner. So, I don’t have any real sex encounters to tell him and turn him on. What can I do? Where can I find more information about this and HOW to talk up a fantasy so realistically that he thinks it did happen? — Talking About Sex With Other People
Dear TASWOP,
I encourage you not to lie about sex you haven’t had. It’ll just make things complicated and strange. Your lies will get mixed up with your truths and you’ll have difficulty keeping the two straight in your mind.
It would be nice if we all had lurid stories involving orgies, sex in the dry goods aisle of the Jewel-Osco and once, a surprisingly well-placed rubber spatula, but life doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes we get married young, as you did. Sometimes we were busy doing other things, like cultivating careers or raising families or finishing school. Sometimes our previous partners weren’t that adventurous, and we didn’t think to do much of anything to change that. But you know what? It’s fine. Your life isn’t over. There’s lots of time to try new things, cultivate new experiences and experiment with well-placed rubber spatulas.
Accept the fact that you haven’t had very many partners (yet) and work with what you’ve got, which is PLENTY. It sounds like you’re not shy about discussing your fantasies, so do that. Tell him in great detail about all the dirty things you wish someone (another man, I suppose, since he appears to be into cuckolding) would do to you.
If you need help on the imagination front, read some erotica. There is SO MUCH for free on the internet — and also for very cheap elsewhere. Try literotica.com to start. Discover what scenes and scenarios excite you and then relay those to your partner the next time you’re banging. If you have trouble or are shy spewing a litany of filth, then try simply narrating what you’d like to happen using plain language. Just say it with gusto! That’s the key to dirty talk. Whisper, growl, coo — just own whatever comes out of your mouth. If you’re afraid you’ll laugh, practice dirty talking on your own until it’s no longer an issue.
I realize your boyfriend is excited by sex that happened in real life, but you should not have to pretend to be someone you’re not in order to please a romantic partner. He’s going to have to accept that your past sex life is what it is, that you’re building new experiences with him, and, to use a phrase my mother is fond of: You can’t get blood from a turnip.
That said, I think you’ll find that if your dirty talk is detailed enough, he won’t care that it came from your mind.
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(Anna Pulley is a columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Email your quandary to redeyedating@gmail.com.)
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